Purple caster minion 'Barbecued': "It's an honor for us to die on the Rift" (in-depth interview)

So today we will make our first Barbecued interview with a purple caster minion. Purple caster minions are a very important part of League of Legends, but they aren't very well known. With this interview, we will get to know what it means to be a purple caster minion, find out about their secrets, their likes, their dislikes, and maybe their holiday photos.

Jimmy: Hello and thanks for accepting to do this Barbecued interview, purple caster minion. By the way, do you want me to call you purple caster minion or...?

Purple caster minion: Hey, thanks for inviting me. I don't mind if you call me purple caster minion, but my actual name is Stronger.

Jimmy: Oh so you guys have names, I didn't know that.

Purple caster minion: Well yeah actually, every minion is named after a Britney Spears song. My dad was called Toxic and my mom was Gimme more.

Jimmy: Well that's interesting, Stronger. So my first question will be pretty general, what's a day like in the life of a purple caster minion?

Purple caster minion: It's pretty straight forward. We have our own house with my wavemates. I'm actually in an end-game wave, so I have three melee minions, two other caster minions, and a superminion in my team. We train most of the days. We have a dog to maintain a good mood between us. We go to Summoner's Rift twice a week I would say, and we try and beat the crap out of those blue minions. God I hate those guys.

Jimmy: So there's really hatred between blue and purple minions?

Purple caster minion: You bet your ass their is hatred. These bluebers (that's how we call them) are just narcissistic, overconfident assholes and they smell like stale cheese. God I hate them. DAMN! 

Stronger spits on the floor.

Jimmy: Oh wow...mmm ok. So anyway, you just said you were in an end-game wave, how did you get to be there? Is there some sort of hierarchy in the purple minion community?

Purple caster minion: Yes, yes there is. You see, when you're a young purple minion, you don't know how to fight, you don't know how to regroup between waves, and you're poor. So you get affected to the early-game waves, where you have close to no chance at all to survive. But if you survive, like I did when I was young, you get more experience, you get richer, and you get to be in super-minion waves, and destroy those turrets, and even get the nexus. 

Jimmy: So that means that most of the minions, and especially the youngest one, are sacrificed. Isn't that harsh?

Purple caster minion: That's the way it is man. But minions don't have the same perception of death as you guys. It's an honor for us to die on the Rift. We get to go to Minion's paradise. 

Jimmy: I think I know that name...

Purple caster minion: That's where they've been spending most our lives, living in the Minion's paradise. We keep spending most our lives living in the Minion's paradise.

Jimmy: Tell me, why are we so blind to see that the ones we hurt are youuu and me?

Purple caster minion: ...

Jimmy: ...

Purple caster minion: ?

Man I didn't know Britney Spears had such a huge repertoire.

Jimmy: Mmm anyway...what do you know about champions that sometimes come to Summoner's Rift?

Purple caster minion: Purple champions are nice. They seem to be often complaining about being purple, saying some stuff I don't understand about golems and experience. But they're nice. I actually like hmm...what's her name again...pretty girl, long hair...

Jimmy: sjokz?

Purple caster minion: What? No...you know with a horn...SORAKA! Yeah, I love Soraka. There was that time, she healed me, saying "Let me guide you", hell she even gave me mana, I had no idea what to do with that, but I took it.

Jimmy: Is there a champion you hate to fight against?

Purple caster minion: Yeah, Syndra. She's a bitch. I've never actually faced her because, thank Nashor, she's not there very often. But I had this purple melee minion friend, whose name was Oops I did it again. He told me he got grabbed by her, and thrown in the middle of his wavemates. They were like "Dude stop jumping on us like that", and he was all "Bro just shut the fuck up it's not my fault", and they were like "Well don't do it again, lol". It kinda hurts the wave cohesion.

Jimmy: I couldn't help but notice that you said "Thank Nashor". Do you consider Baron Nashor as a god or something?

Purple caster minion: Lol. Well actually that's an expression. I consider myself as an atheist minion, so I don't think this Nashor thing actually exists. But yeah, some of us believe there is a giant purple thing that is so powerful it makes your team win. But nobody alive actually saw it.

Jimmy: Do blue minions also believe in such a god?

Purple caster minion: DUDE! Stop talking me about those bluebers DAMN!

Stronger spits on the floor.

Baron Nashor is so famous, he has two mailboxes.

Jimmy: Oh ok sorry. Do you know anything about summoners?

Purple caster minion: Well duh, summoners are the people that control the champions. I don't know much about them, but I know they all call each other "noob". Like, what kind of name is that? They are really weird people. The other day, I heard summoners yelling at each other, one of them was saying "fu you're toxic" and I was like "Well what's the problem with that? My father was Toxic too and he was a great guy." So yeah, weirdos.

Jimmy: What is your best memory on Summoner's Rift?

Purple caster minion: I remember that one game where those fucking bluebers were kind of winning, but purple team managed to destroy the inhibitor, so my wavemates and I were called for the fight. We were heavily outnumbered though, and it seemed like purple champions were losing to blue champions. While they fought, I told my mates to push the towers because the champions were distracted. We got the nexus towers but we would have had a hard time destroying the nexus. Then that Kassadin guy came with his spanish accent, he jumped all over the nexus, toying with some German viking, and he helped us destroy the nexus. That was unbelievable. Everyone was congratulating that Spanish Kassadin, which was kind of unfair since it was my call, but you know, great game anyway. Those fucking bluebers, they also had a Spanish, a spider wearing a scarf, and he was so mad. Ahah good time.

Jimmy: For my last question, I would like you to imagine that aliens come to earth, and then you must assemble a team of Earth players to fight aliens in LoL for the fate of Earth. What do you do?

Purple caster minion: Wait...what? Why would they do that? I mean they are aliens, they don't give a shit about League of Legends dude.

Jimmy: No but that's an hypothetical situation! I mean, they're aliens but they're gamers too, you know. So what do you do?

Purple caster minion: Dude, if aliens came to earth to play LoL, I'd put them in a team with Bronze IV soloqueue players. They would dodge the game in champ select, dodge the earth and never ever come back.

Jimmy: Ok thanks for your answers and have a good day.

No comments:

Post a Comment